


Maya’s Reasons Why

by kieliswriting45



Category: Degrassi
Genre: Other, Suicide trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17358674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kieliswriting45/pseuds/kieliswriting45
Summary: Maya Matlin has been through a lot in her life, and has reached her breaking point. She writes letters to those in her life and thinks about how much she’s been hurt and how the people she’s cared about have contributed to that hurt.





	Maya’s Reasons Why

Premise  
Maya Matlin had always been the type of person to stay strong despite the many obstacles life threw at her. Ever since she started attending Degrassi her freshman year, it seemed like tragedy was just destined to follow her. But Maya never thought it’d get to the point where she would break completely. The point where, she felt numb to everything going on around her, the point where she didn’t see a point in anything anymore. It was her senior year that she finally reached that breaking point, and in Maya’s mind, she thought the people in her life would be better off without her. She thought that she just made things harder for everyone, and that no matter how hard she’d tried to help the people she loved, it was never enough. And even when Maya wasn’t doing a damn thing but trying to follow her dreams and be happy, shit still hit the fan because for some reason, the universe seemed to want Maya to be miserable. She tried for so long to not let it get to her, but it got to the point where she couldn’t pretend anymore, and she felt like no one understood, or cared. She decided that she couldn’t be on this earth anymore. That it’d be better for everyone that way. But she knew in her heart that, her friends and family did love her, even if it seemed like Maya cared more for them than they did for her. So before she gathered the materials she’d need to escape this earth, she decided to write a song for each of the people in her life, attached with a letter. The people she loved that she wanted to say goodbye to but that also had screwed her over in some way. All the people she loved were part of the reason why she felt like she could no longer be alive. But then there were the people that Maya either had not done a thing to, or that she had some sort of conflict with but that Maya always tried to make things right with, only to be screwed repeatedly. Maya was going to write a song, and a letter, attached with an audio tape of Maya singing the song. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, but she felt like, all of these people deserved honesty. They deserved to know that the things that they said and did hurt, not to make them feel guilty, but so they could realize that words and actions hurt, but just like the song Maya wrote in grade nine said, actions speak louder than words. Actions of other people hurt Maya way worse than words ever did. But Maya always had a way with words, and she decided to put that skill to use as a way to say her final goodbyes, and let everyone know, her reasons why.  
   
   
Chapter 1- Cam  
Maya knew that this one would be the hardest, because he would never see or hear it, but she also knew that she never truly, got to share all the things she wanted to say to him. Despite the therapy, despite the breakdown she had shortly after his death, where she expressed her feelings, it wasn’t all she wanted to say. And she knew that, the biggest reason for her anxiety and depression that she buried underneath the surface throughout the majority of her high school years was related to him, and the pain and confusion she felt after Cam ended his life. Maya thought to herself again how, she never thought she’d get to the point where she would actually understand how Cam had felt, and she never thought she’d decide to make the same choice he did. But here she was, and for a split second, she thought maybe she could continue to be strong, and get through this. But that half a second glimmer of hope faded as quickly as it’d come. Maya then took a deep breath and began her letter to Cam.  
   
Dear Cam,  
I know you’ll never read this letter nor will you hear the song I am going to record, but I need to write this because, I never got a chance to actually express just how much your death affected me. I was at first numb, I was in denial because I wanted to pretend that everything was okay. But then I couldn’t handle pretending anymore, I exploded, and I was angry because, I never knew why you did what you did, I never got a chance to try and help you, and I never even got to say goodbye. After the shock and anger started to fade, I was overcome by constant anxiety, that someone else I care about would make the same choice. I felt like I needed to help everyone in my life, even when they insisted that everything was fine, even when they tried to push me away. It took me forever to finally go to therapy, but even that wasn’t enough. I mean, things were better for awhile, but then shitty things just kept happening to me, and even before the therapy, terrible things kept happening, and now I’ve reached a point where it’s all just become too much and I now understand, how you were feeling, how everything was just too hard and you didn’t know any other way out of it. I don’t blame you, I used to at one point, but I now know that, it wasn’t your fault. Life throws so much misery at people, tragedies happen, and for whatever fucked up reason, the universe decided to screw with people’s brains to the point where they didn’t believe they could get through anything. Where they feel like they’re a burden, which I’ve been feeling frequently. Again I know you’ll never see this but, when you were alive and you showed that you were struggling, I wish I could have helped, and I wish that I could have understood back then like I do now. I don’t want to say you’re a reason why I’ve decided to make the same choice as you, because I know that it’s no one’s fault. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t screw me up to the point where I got myself in situations that just caused me to sink further and further into insanity. But I also know that it’s not so much other people, it’s a cycle of a lot of fucked up shit that effects everyone. But I feel like I’ve kept so much hidden inside that these letters, and the songs I’m recording, which have always been my escape, are necessary. Here are the lyrics to the song that is on your I’ll be recording, even though, you’ll never hear it.  
   
“When I lost you, I lost a part of myself  
Numbness consumed my soul  
But I also felt too much  
Anxiety, anger, and sadness  
Sometimes a lot, but rarely less  
My whole life became a mess  
How do I cope when I can’t catch a break?  
How can I live, with this choice that you made?  
How can I live, when everything’s falling apart?  
I don’t think I can ever repair my heart  
   
Maya put the pen down, and realized that she had tears streaming down her face. She realized that, after she recorded that song, she still had more letters to write, songs to write and record, and she almost decided that it was too much and that she should just end it without a goodbye to anyone. Would anyone besides her family care? And they were the only ones that never hurt her in some way. She didn’t need to write letters to them, or record songs. But she didn’t want to leave them behind without one more good memory. So she decided to plan a special night for them. Maya grabbed her purse and headed to the store to grab some snacks, then headed home to set it all up. She hoped that her family would have a good time, because Maya and only Maya knew it’d be the last time they’d have together as a family.  
   
After Maya had gotten everything set up, she called her mom and her sister into the living room. When they came in, Maya showed them the array of snacks on the table as well as the stack of DVD’S she’d gathered for them to choose from. Her family knew that things had been hard for her, but at the same time they didn’t realize just how bad it was and they were more than happy to spend a night having fun, seemingly not suspecting a thing, believing Maya when she said she was feeling better and that she just wanted to spend some time together because Katie would be going back to California soon. But Maya was paranoid that either her mom or Katie suspected something was off. Maya was her usual bubbly self the whole night but, she wondered if either of them could tell that it was forced. Especially when Mrs. Matlin got up to go to the bathroom and it was just Katie and Maya. Maya could sense her sister looking at her, but focused on grabbing some popcorn from the bowl on the table and tried to avoid her sister’s gaze. Was it worry, or did Katie want to talk about something that had nothing to do with what Maya thought? Luckily Mrs. Matlin came back before Katie could ask her any questions. They continued watching the movie and snacking on popcorn and chips until everyone started yawning and both Katie and Mrs. Matlin decided to go to bed.  
   
After Maya cleaned up the empty dishes in the living room and put them in the dishwasher, she headed back to her room, unsure of what to do next. She thought that maybe, after having a nice night with her family, she would feel better, enough to give life a second chance. But she still felt numb, empty, hopeless. So she decided to record the song to go with Cam’s letter, then move on to the next.  
   
Chapter 2: Miles  
Maya sighed when she realized that this letter and song would be only a little less hard than Cam’s. During her relationship with Miles, she saw so much of Cam in him that it caused her anxiety to skyrocket. She knew that he never meant to hurt her or scare her, but that didn’t make the on and off rollercoaster that was their relationship any less traumatic for her. It got even worse after they broke up, because Maya was terrified that after she ended their relationship, Miles would go off the deep end. She tried so hard to stop that from happening that she even broke into his house to check on him, and it was that same day after a severe panic attack that Maya finally was convinced to seek help. Maya still tried to help him after that, and he actually thanked her in the end. But even after ending on good terms, Maya realized that during her whole time of knowing Miles, she was never that important to him despite him telling her she was. He never asked if she was okay or why he scared her. Even when she told him about all the anxiety she had after they broke up, Miles still put her in a situation that caused her anxiety to deepen. Everything was all about Miles all the time and Maya felt like her feelings never mattered to him. Maya knew Miles had been through a ton of shit himself, but why did Maya put up with it when he didn’t even care how his actions affected her? Maya knew that there was a lot she never told Miles, or there were things she tried to tell him but he didn’t seem to care. But Maya knew she had to write him a letter anyway, because not only had Miles been a huge cause of a lot of her trauma, but she also had cared about him at one point and she knew that deep down, Miles did care for her in his own way and she wanted to not only be honest but she wanted to say goodbye. She knew that not too long ago, Miles didn’t think he’d get to say goodbye to Tristan, his boyfriend and one of Maya’s on and off friends that had been in a coma. Thankfully he woke up but, it was just another tragedy that affected everyone, and Maya, who was on the same bus crash that caused Tristan to fall into a coma, was pretty certain that the crash is what caused her to reach her breaking point. She saw how badly it affected Miles when he thought Tristan was going to die, and she didn’t want to put him through more but, Maya still felt like no one’s life would be different without her. They’d still go on like nothing happened. And her and Miles had barely spoken since their sophomore year, so she wasn’t even sure if this letter would mean shit to him, but she had to do it for herself.  
   
Dear Miles,  
I don’t really know how to begin this. We’ve barely spoken since grade ten, since our relationship fell apart. The times that we have, I’ve questioned if I ever really mattered to you at all. I look back on our relationship and I feel like you just needed someone, but that you didn’t really care about me or my feelings, or how your behavior affected me. You never asked me why your actions scared me so much, or, why I was so worried you were going to hurt yourself. You want to know why? Because my first boyfriend killed himself. I wasn’t able to help him, I didn’t see the signs, but when we started spending time together I saw signs in you that, looking back, he was showing too but I just didn’t know, and after he died, I never really got the help I needed to get through it. I suffered nightmares and panic attacks, and felt like I needed to save everyone because I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else I care about ending their life. I think I didn’t tell you before partly because it was so hard to talk about, but also because I feel like you didn’t care. Even though I never shared this with you, I feel like when I showed that you were making me afraid and anxious, you just acted like nothing was wrong. I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me, but it still did because I tried so hard to be what you needed, and I feel like, even with other people, nothing I do is ever enough. I always get screwed over no matter what I do. And recently, it’s gotten worse, to the point where, I really just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to hurt you or anyone, but I feel like everyone would be better off without me, I feel like I don’t truly matter to anyone. And for the record I’m not blaming you for my decision. I just wanted to be honest about things that I never told you. And I also have a song that I wrote, because music is the one thing I ever thought I was actually good at. Here is the lyrics and also in the box you will find a tape where I sing the song.  
   
I tried to save you, but in the end only destroyed myself  
Was It even worth it, was I even anything to you  
Did I change you, or did I break you too?  
Was I nothing more to you than wanting to be wanted  
Will it matter to you when I disappear, looking back, was I ever really here?  
I know we can only fix ourselves  
But being alone, makes us wish we had someone else  
Even together, I still felt empty  
Numbness consumes my soul, wherever I go  
I’m just passing by, no one truly sees me  
Neither did you, even when I was right in front of you  
   
Maya wondered if she should even send this one. Despite writing that she didn’t blame him, she felt like her words would make him feel guilty regardless. She didn’t want that, she just wanted the people who had been in her life to understand. She didn’t want them to wonder, but she also didn’t want them to blame themselves. She knew the choice was hers, but she also wasn’t going to deny that all the shit she’d been through, the things people had done to her, was a huge factor in her choice. Recently Maya had tried to think of the happy times in her life, but then she realized that more than half of those good times ended badly. Maya felt like she was destined for failure and misery no matter what she did. Like the world was out to get her simply for existing. Even Grace, her best friend, had told her at one point that her problem was that Maya existed. She later found out Grace had cystic fibrosis and that she didn’t think she’d ever get to have anything that Maya had, or live a long life, period. But soon after Maya started to wonder if her existence really made people miserable. Even when she wasn’t doing anything wrong, or was trying to help, she always seemed to just make things worse. With these thoughts lingering in Maya’s mind, she knew which letter she was going to write next.  
   
Chapter 3- Tristan  
Tristan had been one of Maya’s friends on and off since freshman year. Originally they really only hung out because Maya became friends with Tori, who was best friends with Tristan. But then Tori moved away, and Maya and Tristan became best friends. Maya started thinking about all the drama that happened that year, with not just Tristan but with the girl who tried to steal Tristan away from Maya, and who tried to ruin Maya’s life simply because Miles liked her better. That girl being Zoe Rivas. Maya wondered if she should write Zoe’s letter next instead, since Zoe screwed Maya over way more than Tristan did. But Tristan also had meant more to Maya than Zoe did, and her and Tristan had made up after their falling out, and even if they hadn’t, Tristan nearly died and part of Maya felt like that almost happened because of her existence too. She was on the bus with Tristan, Maya felt like simply being there is what caused Tristan to be in critical condition. Maya tried to shake that thought away because she didn’t want to include something like that in the letter. What Maya wanted to tell him was that, sort of like Miles, she felt like Tristan never truly cared about her either, even when they were best friends. How Maya tried to save Tristan from a literal pedophile and Tristan yelled Maya’s head off and said several hurtful things to her, and then accused her of trying to steal Miles back from him, and never even let her explain why she was so worried about him, even when they made up. Maya wondered if Tristan would even care now after everything that had happened, and since they also had barely spoken since sophomore year, she wondered if Tristan would even care if she disappeared. But Maya reminded herself that she was doing this for herself, and that maybe, just maybe, after she had finished writing all of these letters, maybe she’d realize all she really needed was to let it all out, and maybe she’d feel better enough to seek help and start to recover. Deep down, Maya wasn’t really sure she wanted to die, she just wanted the pain to stop. But she knew that she’d never know what she really wanted until she finished the letters. So she picked up her pen and began the letter to Tristan  
   
Dear Tristan,  
I know how much that you’ve been through recently, and I before I get into the rest of my letter I would like to say how proud I am of you for being so strong through everything. You truly are a fighter, Tris. I wish I could say the same about myself. I put on a strong façade for so long, but I just can’t do it anymore. My main purpose of this letter is to share some things with you that I never got the chance to, or rather, felt like it wouldn’t have mattered if I shared them because to be honest, I feel like a great deal of our friendship was one sided. I feel like I never was someone you really cared about, we became friends out of convenience because of Tori and then I was her “replacement” when she moved away but then you clearly were more interested in being Zoe’s friend when she came along. You wrote me off for standing up for you to Miles even though, despite being bothered myself by his PDA with Zoe, I was more upset that he lead you on, even though later I found out that you kissed him and he didn’t reciprocate. I get that you were embarrassed and I truly felt terrible for that but I wasn’t trying to hurt you. And then when Zoe ruined my reputation, you started hanging out with her and even forced us to make up for your sake even though I had every right to be mad at her. Then, with the whole Yates thing, I get why you were upset but he could have really hurt you, he was taking advantage of you, he was a pedophile and even if I hadn’t said anything, there’s a good chance that someone would have found out and reported it and even if they didn’t, something really bad could have happened to you, I was trying to protect you and you froze me out for several months. You said seriously hurtful things to me and accused me of trying to steal Miles from you even though I was going through severe PTSD at the time because I was scared Miles was going to do what Cam did. But you didn’t even let me explain that. Even when we eventually made up, you still acted like what I did was wrong and still didn’t give me a chance to explain my side. Ever since Cam died, I’ve been terrified of someone I care about getting into a situation that causes them to make the same choice that he did and all I’ve ever wanted is to protect the people I love and care about but I just can’t do it anymore because I feel like I make everything worse, you and others have made it clear that all I do is make everything worse. I just can’t keep going on and pretending like I’m okay, like I’m strong. I don’t want to hurt anyone but every day I just feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m sorry Tris if I ever hurt you despite just trying to help you. I’m sorry if this hurts you, just know that while we were friends I had lots of good times with you and I hope that you continue to heal and get better and recover. Inside the box this came in you’ll find an audio tape, on it is a song I wrote, and I’ll also include the lyrics in this letter.  
   
Friends come and go  
But the memories stay  
A lot of them hurt, because you pushed me away  
You may have thought it was justified  
But little did you know I was hurting inside  
Trying to save someone else that I love  
Only to get shunned, because nothing I do is enough  
You’re better off without me, everyone is  
When I’m gone, I won’t be missed  
   
Maya wondered if that last sentence was true. Deep down she knew it wasn’t, but she also was convinced that it wouldn’t take people long to move on. And that, despite her family and friends being sad, they’d also feel a sense of relief because they all secretly felt burdened by her. Even when she was holding it all in and pretending to be strong, she knew that she still caused trouble for people without even trying. And even the people she didn’t cause trouble for, she still felt like she wasn’t enough for them, like despite giving her all to them, she was still going to get hurt in the end, and Maya knew for a fact she never wanted to feel that way again, that she couldn’t handle feeling that way again. Which brought Maya to her next letter.  
   
Chapter 4- Zig  
Zig was so many things to Maya, which is why his betrayal hurt the most. He was her first friend at Degrassi, her first real crush, and her first real love. They lived together before they even dated. Maya denied her feelings for him for so long because Zig was special to her in a way that her other boyfriends weren’t, they had so much history and she was scared to get closer to him because Maya knew she could get hurt and didn’t want to ruin what they had. Their friendship meant the world to Maya, and she had lost that when Zig cheated on her with Zoe. Although Zig had cheated on Tori with Maya, and Maya also had that as one reason why she pushed her feelings aside for Zig, she didn’t think Zig would ever do that to her. After he cheated, Zig tried to work things out with her, but because Maya wasn’t ready, he blamed her for his own actions, and although he said he didn’t mean it Maya actually wondered if she somehow did something wrong that lead Zig to do that. She called Zig out on his shit because she knew that what he was saying was utter bullshit but somewhere deep down Maya wondered if she had been a bad girlfriend, if she somehow wasn’t good enough and that putting her dreams of becoming a musician above her relationship with Zig somehow made him resent her. Zig never really told Maya what was going through his head when he cheated, all she knew is what Zoe told her, that Zig was “easy” and that he “didn’t say no.” Zig had told her they just kissed but Zoe let her know it was something more. Maya wondered how, Zig, the person she trusted the most could not only cheat on her but also not even tell the full truth about it. Maya never trusted Zoe, she had screwed Maya over several times even when Maya tried to be her friend despite Zoe backstabbing her more than once. So it didn’t really surprise her that Zoe betrayed her again, although it still hurt because it was just yet another case of someone hurting her and not even having a real reason behind it. Maya knew deep down that Zig loved her and never wanted to hurt her, but then she remembered that not too long after they broke up, Zig started hanging out with Esme, and now they were dating. After the bus crash, which Zig had also been on, Maya had become so numb to all the shit that happened in the past that her and Zig actually were able to have some friendly conversations, but then it stopped because, Esme was jealous and told Zig he couldn’t talk to her anymore. Maya didn’t think Zig would let Esme control him like that but he stopped talking to her and avoided her in the halls. Despite how much Zig had hurt her, she still loved him and missed him and even though she knew he hadn’t deserved for her to take him back after he cheated, she wished she could have at least tried to be friends with him again, when he was putting the effort in because maybe things would be different. Time would have healed things and even If they didn’t get back together they could at least still be friends. Maya shook those thoughts from her head, she knew dwelling on the “what ifs” wasn’t going to do any good. She did wonder though, since it was so easy for him to cut her out because of Esme, if her letter would mean anything to him. She wondered if he even loved her at all. He said he did, but Maya was once again, reminded of her song “Actions Speak Louder Than Words.” Which her and Zig had actually performed together, right before they shared their first kiss, which happened when Zig was still dating Tori. Zig said he loved Maya, but he cheated on her, which was an action. Maya realized then that even if she continued to live, she’d never know what to believe when it came to anything or anyone. And Maya once again thought, that she could not go through that type of betrayal again. Maya shook her head again to clear the racing thoughts so she could write her letter to Zig.  
   
Dear Zig,  
I don’t even known where to begin. I never told you, but I was always into you, ever since the first time we met. I pushed it aside because I thought you wanted to be with Tori, and all I wanted was for you to be happy. Then I met Cam and although I liked him, he never made me as happy as you did. Our first kiss did mean something to me, but I just didn’t want Tori to get hurt. It still happened anyway but I think you know what I mean. Anyways, as you know after Cam I was messed up and then during the summer I met Miles and I knew he wasn’t good for me, he also never made me as happy as you did, but I was scared of ruining what we had. Our friendship meant the world to me and so did you and I didn’t wanna risk losing that. I finally gave in to my feelings because I loved you and I was in a better place and you had helped me through such a dark period when everyone else in my life just thought I was crazy. I never thought you’d cheat on me. I never thought you’d hurt me like that and the worst part is I lost you as a friend too. I know you tried to repair our relationship and our friendship afterwards but I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t cope with how you could betray me and not only that but not be fully honest about it, and then blame me for your mistake, even though you said you didn’t mean that. When you blamed me I started to think maybe I did do something wrong. Maybe I was selfish for spending so much time on my music, even though it was the only thing that I ever felt I was good at and that got me through a lot of tough times. I know deep down I did nothing to deserve it but the world has made me feel like everything I do is wrong so I thought maybe I did do something to deserve it. After the bus crash, as you know, I became numb to all of it, and all I wanted was for things to go back to how they were. I still love you, and I thought you loved me too. I can’t blame you for moving on, but it hurts that you shut me out so quickly because Esme doesn’t think we should be friends. I know she’s your girlfriend but I thought I meant something to you, at least as a friend. I feel now like no one cares about me at all. I feel like I have no one. I just want to give up, and that’s what I’m going to do. Everything is just too hard and I can’t stay strong anymore like I have for so long. Goodbye Zig, I love you. And attached are the lyrics of a song I wrote for you, and I also included a tape of me singing it.  
   
You were the one from the first time I saw you  
Took a long time to let myself love you, but from the beginning I knew  
You made me feel like all would be fine  
Forever and ever, I wanted you to be mine  
Then you ripped my heart out, cut it with a knife  
And I thought I was losing it, because I still loved you  
Then you moved on, and I had no idea what to do  
I tried to forget you, but the memories still cross my mind  
And I can’t even smile because all I want to do is cry  
I feel like I’m nothing, and you see right through my tears  
Was all of our time together just wasted years?  
Because I feel like my time here has been a waste of a life  
Every breath I take, I want to die  
   
Maya knew her lyrics for Zig weren’t even subtle at all. And she knew deep down that Zig didn’t see right through her pain. He’d always been the one to notice when something was wrong, any time he was around to see it. But now it seemed like he just didn’t care. Maya knew he wasn’t obligated to care about her, but after all they went through it still hurt. If anything, it should be her that stopped caring about him because of what he did, but Maya still loved him as much as she always had. And it hurt too much to see him with someone that wasn’t her, even though all she wanted for him was to be happy, Maya felt like she’d never be happy again and seeing everyone going on with their lives and shunning her because they didn’t understand was too much to handle. Maya felt a twinge of pain in her chest at that thought which brought her to realize what letter she needed to write next.  
   
Chapter 5-Grace  
Aside from Tori, Grace had been Maya’s only real female friend. Despite being total opposites, they fit together well. Grace gave Maya advice and they had fun together, despite initially not getting off on the best foot. They had their ups and downs, but Maya never let Grace know how much those “downs” really hurt her. Maya always had pushed it aside because she knew Grace really did care for her and for the most part the good outweighed the bad, but when it was bad, it was bad. Recently, Grace had pushed Maya out of her life because Maya had been too depressed to really spend time with Grace and Grace called her selfish and a terrible friend. Maya had recently found out a few months prior that Grace has cystic fibrosis, but what Maya didn’t know was that Grace was going to need a lung transplant, which Maya only found out because Grace thought that Maya’s problems were minor compared to hers. Maya cared about Grace a lot and wanted to be there for her and support her, but she didn’t know how when she could barely take care of herself anymore. Maya had always been there for the people in her life and had tried to save them and take care of them, but where were these people when Maya needed them? And this wasn’t the first time Grace had gotten mad at Maya over something that wasn’t Maya’s fault. Maya hadn’t held it against Grace because she found out what Grace was going through and knew that was more important and serious than a petty argument. But it still hurt Maya because she had done nothing to deserve it and Grace never even apologized. Maya wondered what Grace would think when Maya explained how she felt about it in her letter. And she wondered if Grace even missed her at all, and if she would even care when Maya was gone, since she specifically told Maya that she didn’t want her in her life. Well soon, I won’t be in anyone’s life, Maya whispered to herself, before grabbing her pen and beginning Grace’s letter.  
   
Dear Grace,  
First I want to apologize that I haven’t been there for you. I know what you’re going through is scary as hell, and I wish I could do something to help and make it better, if I could I would, I hope you know that. You’ve been one of the best friends I’ve ever had and it really hurt when you said you don’t want me in your life anymore. I know I’ve not been there when you need it lately, but I don’t even know how to take care of myself anymore. And to be honest, I feel like you actually had it right when you said you don’t want me in your life because I think that’s what everyone thinks, it seems like no one needs me or wants me, and that all I do is make everyone’s life harder just by existing. I mean, a few months ago you even said you were upset with me because I exist. I still don’t understand what I did to deserve that. That honestly stung a lot and lately I feel like everyone in my life is miserable because I exist, hell I’m miserable because I exist. I don’t want to, it all feels pointless. And I know you can relate to that, I wish you didn’t have to, you deserve to live a healthy long life. And I know you will, your transplant will be a success and things will be great. I’m sorry that I won’t be around to see it happen. I just can’t continue feeling like this and getting hurt by everyone in my life no matter how hard I try to do the right thing and help people. I wrote a song for you, I attached the lyrics and also the tape in the box is a recording of me singing it. I’m sorry again for letting you down. You’re an amazing person and you deserve the best. Love, Maya  
   
I thought I had a friend  
A friend that’d be there till the end  
I never wanted to lose you  
Never wanted to let you down  
You’re a fighter, but I’m weak  
Too worn down to even speak  
I don’t know how to help you  
I don’t know how to help myself  
Gonna escape before I hurt anyone else  
   
Maya read the lyrics she’d just wrote and then looked back at the other ones she’d wrote and thought they all sounded stupid. She also was scared that people would view them as guilt-tripping, even though that wasn’t Maya’s intention. Maya tried to tell herself it was just her insecurities talking and that it wouldn’t even matter because she’d be gone. But she didn’t want the people she cared about to feel hurt or guilty even though she wouldn’t be around to see it. Maya told herself that if she wrote those songs to no one in particular like she’d written dozens of other songs, she’d receive both good and bad opinions and that was nothing new. So Maya decided to push those insecurities out of her mind because the faster she got those letters and songs done, the sooner she could escape. Maya pondered on who to write the next letter to. Maya could only think of two other people who had hurt her, but she also had two other people she wanted to say goodbye to, not including her family. Maya decided that she was exhausted and wanted to take a break from the emotional and triggering memories and write letters to Jonah and Tiny, the two friends she had that never actually screwed her over even once.  
   
Chapter 6- Tiny and Jonah  
   
Maya met Tiny in the rubber room and usually only hung out with him when Zig and Grace were around, but she also really liked and cared about him, he’d always been kind to her. After her and Zig broke up she didn’t see or talk to him as frequently but she knew that there was no bad blood between them, Tiny was on her side despite always supporting her and Zig’s relationship and when her and Grace were still friends, Maya and Tiny would still hang out with Grace and they always had a good time. Maya wasn’t really quite sure what to say in his letter, she figured, maybe talk about old memories? Then that’s when Maya decided on something different. She realized that in all of their time knowing each other, they’d never spent time together one on one. Maya knew asking him to meet up would be random but she couldn’t imagine Tiny being opposed to it. Maya grabbed her phone and texted Tiny, asking if he wanted to meet at the Dot in a couple hours. Maya decided in the hour or so before they met that she’d write Jonah’s letter and get it out of the way. Tiny responded back, saying they could meet around 8, which would be about two hours from then. Maya responded, “Great! See you then!” Maya was about to start her letter to Jonah when Tiny texted again, wanting to know if there was a specific reason Maya wanted to meet. Not that I mind. Tiny had wrote, Just curious since it’s been awhile since we’ve talked. Maya wasn’t sure how to respond, but then decided to add on to what he had said, Yeah that’s kind of why, it has been awhile and I thought it’d be cool to catch up. Maya had no doubt that he wouldn’t ask anymore questions after that, Tiny was chill like that. Maya slid her phone away to the other side of her desk and picked up her pen again to begin Jonah’s letter.  
   
Dear Jonah,  
You are one of the few people in my life that have never screwed me over. You were there for me when that music producer rejected me, you were a good friend to me and we had fun playing shows together. Recently though, I just, haven’t cared about anything. I don’t even want to play music anymore. I’ve written a couple songs but my heart’s just not in it and I honestly think they suck. I feel like I’ve lost everyone and everything that I’ve cared about. As you know Grace hates me, Zig’s moved on with Esme, Tristan just woke up from a coma and is still readjusting and even so we haven’t talked in so long, and sometimes I wonder if we were only friends because we were in a band together. And it seems like you’ve become closer with Grace and I know I’ve been really distant and a shitty friend but I feel like you’re on her side. You haven’t said anything hurtful to me or pushed me away but I just feel like no one really cares about me and I just feel like giving up. Actually that’s why I’m writing this letter. I’ve written one to everyone. And even though I feel like my songs suck now, I wrote you and everyone else a song, and I’m attaching the lyrics and an audio tape which has me singing the song. I guess that’s all. Goodbye Jonah.  
   
Maya was actually stuck with what to write for Jonah’s song. She didn’t really have much else to say to him. Maya scribbled out those last couple of sentences and decided instead to give him a tape that had a recording of a song that they had recorded together. It made more sense in Maya’s mind. She decided on “Not Okay,” only because the other songs they had recorded were mostly about Zig. That’s when Maya decided to add the lyrics to her song “Yes” to Zig’s letter, and added a audio tape of her singing it as well. She still kept the recent song she wrote in Zig’s letter though, because that’s how she was feeling now, but “Yes” still did mean something, at least to her. Maya checked the time on her phone, it was 7:45, almost time to meet Tiny. Maya hid the boxes with the letters and tapes in her closet in case her mom or Katie came in her room when she was gone. She grabbed her phone and her bag and headed to The Dot.  
   
Maya got there at exactly 8:00 and Tiny was sitting at a table waiting. Tiny smiled at her and motioned her over and Maya forced a smile. Not that she wasn’t glad to see Tiny but she knew her intentions and she almost felt bad because Tiny looked really happy to see her. Maya sat down and Tiny said he waited for her to order. Maya said she wasn’t hungry or thirsty but then quickly said, “but I guess maybe we could split fries or something” because she didn’t want Tiny to worry. A waiter came to their table to take their order and Tiny ordered the fries and a small milkshake for himself. After the waiter left, Tiny asked Maya what was new with her, saying again how it’d been awhile since they talked. “Not much, just trying to get through to graduation.” Maya felt a pang in her chest when she said that because she knew that wouldn’t be happening, and she also worried that Tiny could sense something was off with her. Technically, they were never close so they didn’t know each other that well, and a lot had changed. “Same here.” Tiny said. “I’m hoping to get in to Cal Tech for marine biology, although I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it. I know there’s financial aid, but..” Suddenly Tiny stopped and looked at Maya, and Maya’s heart quickened. She forced a smile and quickly said, “That sounds awesome, I’m sure you’ll get in, and figure out the financial stuff too.” She hoped that whatever Tiny was about to say, and that the way he was looking at her, wasn’t because he could sense how she was feeling. But she knew she probably didn’t look enthused, or like the bubbly happy Maya that Tiny was used to. Maya decided that if he asked, she’d just say she was tired from working on a project, which wasn’t technically a lie. It just wasn’t the type of project Tiny would think it was. Tiny looked like he was about to say something, but then the fries and his milkshake came and he said thank you to the waiter and smiled, then took a sip of his milkshake. “So,” Tiny said. “What college are you hoping to go to?” Maya was relieved that his question was a normal one, and it’s not like she hadn’t thought about college. In fact, all of the college applications and brochures and constant talk about it is one of the things that had caused Maya’s anxiety and depression to increase recently. But Maya would rather talk about that than have Tiny know what was going on in her mind. “I was thinking about SoCal Art, they have a great music program.” Maya said. Which again, wasn’t a lie. It had been the main college Maya was looking into. But Maya had long given up on caring about it at that point. “That’s great! We could both be in California together! It’d be nice to have a friend there.” Tiny said. Maya felt a pang in her chest again. Not only did Tiny see her as a friend, but he seemed excited about the possibility of them both living in California. Maya started thinking about how, if she just got through this last year of high school, she could move to California and attend SoCal Art, and not only would Tiny be there, but her sister also lived there. Maya would have two people that cared for her and she knew there also were a lot of other possibilities that she had yet to discover. It was all so confusing. Maya didn’t know what she wanted to do anymore. She didn’t want to leave her friends or family behind, she didn’t want to hurt anyone, she knew it was possible to have a future, but the question was, did she even want it? Was it worth it to keep holding on? Maya looked at Tiny, and said “Yeah that would be nice.” But suddenly, she didn’t want to be there anymore. Her thoughts were swimming laps in her brain and she didn’t even know what the purpose of meeting Tiny here was. She hadn’t thought it through, and she knew small talk about college or life plans wasn’t going to make anything easier for her in regards to her choice. Maya told Tiny that she was sorry but that she really was tired and had to go, and she hoped that Tiny wouldn’t ask any questions. But thankfully Tiny said that he understood, and that he’d see her at school the next day. Maya said good night and bolted.  
   
Chapter 7- Decisions  
Maya got home and dashed up to her room before her mom saw her and asked her any questions. She closed the door and took the boxes with the letters and tapes out of her closet and set them on her desk. Maya then stood there for a moment, looking at the pictures on her wall, filled with memories her and her friends had shared over the years. Her and Tristan in Paris, her and Jonah in New York, her, Grace, and Jonah after their performances at various venues, her, Zig, Tiny, and Grace just making silly faces and having no worries in the world. Or at least, not ones that they shared out loud. Maya then decided that, along with the letters she would put pictures in the boxes as well. She took one of her and Tristan off the wall, they were standing outside of a clothing shop in Paris and posing in silly hats, and put it in his box. Then she grabbed the one of her and Jonah in New York and put it in his box. One of her and Grace, taken after one of their performances at The Trap Door. She slipped it in Grace’s box. She had taken down the ones of just her and Zig because they hurt too much, she only kept up the group photos they took with Grace and Tiny. So Maya went back to her closet and dug out her box of photos. Maya also had photos with Miles and Cam in there, and took out one of her and Miles at one of his parties and stuck it in his box. She wondered what the point was of putting a photo in Cam’s box but she did it anyway. She took out the photo of Maya on Cam’s back, where they were both smiling brightly. Maya started thinking about all the pain a smile could hide. Had Cam really felt happy in that moment or was it fake? Maya knew her smiles was real back then, but they sure as hell weren’t now. Maya sifted through the photos and took the one out of her and Zig on the beach. It was taken the day after Maya had been kidnapped while once again trying to help someone that had screwed her over. Maya felt sick at the memory but looked at the photo again and remembered how that day, Zig had told her how happy he was to have her in his life. Maya’s heart stung when she realized that wasn’t true anymore. Maya quickly put the picture in his box and contemplated what to do next. She still had two more letters to write, but she didn’t know if one of them was even worth it and if the other one even mattered anymore. Maya had come to realize over the years that people who were cruel rarely gave a shit that they were cruel, and that calling them out on it or letting them know that it hurt you was usually not going to make a difference. Maya only told Zig, Grace, Tristan, and Miles how they had hurt her because she knew they weren’t hurtful on purpose and she knew that in some way they had cared for her, and even if they didn’t she had cared for them. But the last two people on her list never cared about her, one of them pretended to only to stab her in the back repeatedly, and the other was cruel and disgusting for no real reason and had even said that Maya deserved it. Maya decided that she would only write a letter for one of them, that one being Zoe, because she actually had shown remorse a couple of times and hadn’t been terrible to Maya all the time, but of course the times that she was were brutal and Maya wasn’t going to leave those things out of her letter, even though Zoe had seemingly changed for the better from what Maya had seen, even though they hadn’t spoken in a year. As for the other one, Hunter, Maya knew her words would never mean a thing to him. His friends that also helped torture her actually expressed remorse and hadn’t even seemed to be that big of a part of it, Hunter was the one who sent most of the threats and disgusting comments to Maya, and even sent a SWAT team to her house. That whole experience was definitely one of the worst things that ever happened to her, but Maya knew Hunter didn’t care. He barely got punished for what he did aside from being suspended and put on probation, and he never apologized, he probably still didn’t even think he did anything wrong. And even if he did, Hunter was never important to Maya so she decided not to waste her last bit of time on this earth on him. Maya grabbed her pen, ready to write her last letter.  
   
Chapter 8- Zoe  
Maya knew she hadn’t been perfect in her rivalry with Zoe, either. She did write a horrible song about her, saying the world would be better off without her and that one day she’d watch her die. Maya felt sick thinking about it. Maya couldn’t bear thinking that she’d ever said that to someone, no matter how much they’d hurt her. Maya wondered if all the shit that happened to her since then was karma, even though her and Zoe had patched things up after that. Maya realized that she never even said sorry. Maya decided that definitely would be included in her letter.  
   
Dear Zoe,  
I know we’ve always kind of been frenemies, and not ever really friends. We’ve both grown up a lot since all of that drama, but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, for that awful song I wrote about you a couple of years ago. It was heartless and cruel and no matter how we felt about each other, you didn’t deserve that. I always will be sorry. It still does hurt though that I did try to be your friend more than once, and you screwed me over repeatedly, even at the times where I hadn’t done a thing. Like hooking up with Zig behind my back, I know he’s worse in that situation, but still, I did nothing to deserve that, and him being “easy” wasn’t an excuse. I know you apologized but that doesn’t really change much because it’s clear you weren’t even thinking of how I might feel when you did it. Then of course there was the more petty stuff you did, and I realize it was out of jealousy but even after that I tried to be your friend and because of a dumb boy that I wasn’t even dating, you ruined my reputation and posted photos of me photo-shopped to naked bodies online, like who does that? And then acted like you had no idea who it was and then when you got caught, tried to act like you were sorry even though you weren’t. I know I didn’t react in an appropriate way with the song but you still really hurt me. The truth is, the reason I didn’t start dating Miles is because I thought we were becoming friends and I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t go out with him until after you betrayed me. I know all of that is irrelevant now, but still. Every time I try to be someone’s friend, or help them, or do anything, I get hurt, screwed over, and honestly, it’s gotten to the point where I’m too numb to keep fighting, I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m writing these letters to everyone in my life because not only do I want to say goodbye but I wanted to be honest with everyone about the things they’ve done that have hurt me. For the most part, I’ve held it all inside because I wanted to be strong, or at least pretend that I was. But I’m not. I’m tired. And I give up. I attached lyrics to a song that I wrote, I wrote one for everyone and in the box is an audio tape of me singing it. I know that sounds stupid but, music has always been my way of expressing things, I thought it only sounded right.  
   
Maya got really frustrated for a second, she had no idea what type of song to write and thought again that maybe the whole song thing was kind of pointless. And would Zoe even care if she didn’t get one like everyone else? Probably not. Maya breathed a sigh of relief because she was finally done. Maya grabbed a backpack out of her closet and put all the boxes into it. Maya wondered how she’d deliver all of them. Maya knew Grace, Jonah, and Miles’s addresses and she figured she could give Tristan’s to his mom at the hospital but she had no idea where Zig was staying or where Zoe lived. Maya figured since Grace and Zoe were friends that she could leave both of them at Grace’s house and Grace would give Zoe hers. Maya thought of texting Tiny again to see where Zig was staying but she didn’t want him to get suspicious. Maya figured she could also leave Zig’s at Grace’s house and that she’d give Zig his too. Maya took a deep breath and headed out to make her deliveries.  
   
Chapter 9-Goodbye  
After Maya made her deliveries, she headed home and again avoided her mom as she headed into the bathroom. But then Maya remembered what she was about to do and knew that she couldn’t do this without first telling her mom and sister that she loved them. They were both in the kitchen chatting and stopped when Maya walked in. “Sorry to interrupt.” Maya said. “I just wanted to say goodnight and that I love you both.” Maya was afraid either of them would sense something was wrong but her mom just said, “Goodnight honey, I love you too.” and Katie said “Goodnight, sleep tight, love you too.” Maya forced a smile at both of them then headed back to the bathroom. She felt a tear slip down her cheek because little did they know, she was saying goodbye and not goodnight. Maya opened the medicine cabinet, and took out every pill bottle that there was. She then locked herself in her bedroom and took each and every pill until all of the bottles were empty. Maya laid down on her bed and finally felt relief for the first time in what felt like forever. I’m finally free. Maya thought as she closed her eyes.  
   
Chapter 10- The Aftermath  
Mrs. Matlin called out Maya’s name several times the next morning, to no answer. She kept repeating that Maya was going to be late for school and to come downstairs for breakfast. Eventually Mrs. Matlin tried opening Maya’s door to find that it was locked. Mrs. Matlin sighed and went to get the key that unlocked her door. When she unlocked it and walked inside, the air was sucked out of her lungs. There she saw Maya, not moving, or breathing, with empty pill bottles all over the floor. Mrs. Matlin immediately started shaking and crying as she grabbed her phone to call 911. Katie walked in a few seconds later to ask what was going on but then she froze. “Oh my god Maya, no!!! Maya, wake up, please.” Katie cried as her mother talked on the phone to the paramedics. They arrived within minutes and took Maya out of the room and into an ambulance as Katie and her mom held each other and sobbed.  
   
That same morning, Grace was leaving her house to go to school and noticed the boxes on her front step. She saw that one of them was addressed to her and the others to Zig and Zoe. Confused, she texted both of them to tell them she had gotten two packages addressed to them and then picked them up and put them in her bag, then continued on to school. When she got there, she met Zig and Zoe on the front steps and gave them their packages. Tiny was there too, and Zig asked if Grace knew who the packages were from. “No clue,” Grace said. She opened hers up, as did Zig and Zoe, and they each saw the letters along with the photos Maya had put in, except for Zoe who didn’t have a photo, and Grace and Zig found the audio tapes. All three of them, and Tiny, were confused. They realized the packages were from Maya because of the photos and each began to read their letters. But before they could get very far Jonah arrived and said, “Oh, you guys received packages too? I haven’t opened mine, who are they from?” “They’re from Maya,” Grace said. “We haven’t gotten far in the letters yet, but in mine and Zig’s there was a photo of each of us with Maya and there were also audio tapes.” Then Tiny said, “You know, Maya texted me last night asking me to meet her at the Dot. We were there for maybe ten minutes when she said she was tired and had to leave. She seemed really off the whole time, I was kind of worried but I didn’t know what to say. I thought it was strange though, we hadn’t talked in a long time and she never asked me to hang out before just the two of us.” Grace, Zig, and Jonah all looked concerned while Zoe continued reading her letter. “Oh my god.” Zoe said. “I think these are suicide letters. In mine she said she’s too numb to keep fighting and she doesn’t care about anything anymore, and that she wanted to say goodbye. She also talked about the things I did that hurt her. What did she say in all of yours? This is really frightening.” Grace, Zig, and Jonah read theirs. All of them started tearing up as they realized that Maya indeed was saying goodbye to all of them. “Maybe it’s not too late,” Grace said. “Maybe she hasn’t done anything yet. Or maybe, she survived whatever she did and we can go see her. Let’s go, before it’s too late.” Grace, Zig, Jonah, Tiny, & Zoe rushed to Jonah’s car and they drove to Maya’s house. When they got there, the ambulance was no longer there so the street was empty and quiet. Grace got out while everyone else waited in the car and she went to ring the doorbell. Nobody answered. “Shit.” Grace said as she ran back to the car. “No one’s answering. I’m gonna try calling her.” Grace dialed Maya’s number but it went straight to voicemail. “Damn it!” Grace cried as she dropped her phone in her lap. “Wait Zig, do you still have her mom’s number?” Grace asked. “Yeah, I think so.” Zig said. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and thumbed through his contacts until he found Mrs. Matlin’s number. He clicked on her number and listened as it rang and rang. Finally, she answered. “Zig,” she cried, “I have some terrible news.” Zig had put her on speaker and everyone knew what was coming. They all started tearing up as Maya’s mom said, “Maya committed suicide last night, I found her this morning but it was too late.” Mrs. Matlin started crying as did Zig, Jonah, Zoe, Grace, and Tiny. “She sent me and some others packages,” Zig said. “They were like goodbye letters and all the things we’d done that had hurt her. And she also recorded some audio tapes of songs she wrote for us, but we haven’t listened to them yet.” Zig sniffled as he thought about how badly he had hurt Maya, and how he completely pushed her away all because Esme didn’t like Maya. He thought about how much he loved her and now, he’d never see her again. Grace thought about how she told Maya she didn’t want her in her life, and how she could never take back those words and now Maya would never be in her life again. Tiny buried his head in his hands and thought about how he wished he’d asked Maya if she was okay last night, when he’d sensed something was wrong. But he also realized that Maya probably wouldn’t have told him the truth. Jonah and Zoe were silent, they were at a loss for words, but they had tears in their eyes. Neither of them knew what to think, or do. No one did. After what felt like forever, Zig finally spoke. “I think we should go see Mrs. Matlin and Maya’s sister at the hospital. They probably need someone there for them right now.” “You’re right,” Grace said, “Let’s go.”  
Several minutes later, Grace, Zig, Jonah, Tiny, & Zoe arrived at the hospital. They walked up to the front desk and asked if there was a Mrs. Matlin there. The lady up front said she had just left. So they got back in the car and figured she’d probably went home. They arrived back at the Matlin’s house soon and saw Mrs. Matlin’s car parked out front. She was sitting in the driver’s seat, shaking and sobbing. Zig and Grace got out of the car and went over to her and gently tapped on the window. Mrs. Matlin looked up with tears in her eyes and opened the door. Zig helped her up and hugged her tightly and Grace joined in. No one knew what to say, all anyone could do was cry. Finally Mrs. Matlin said in a shaky voice, “Would you two like to come in?” and Grace and Zig nodded but then Grace said, “Tiny, Jonah, and Zoe are here too, they’re in the car.” and Mrs. Matlin said they could come in too. Zig followed Mrs. Matlin inside while Grace went to tell the others they were going inside. Tiny and Jonah got out of the car but Zoe sat silent. Grace asked her if she was coming. Zoe started tearing up and said, “Maya always tried to be my friend. Yeah, she sang that song but, even after every terrible thing I did to her and said about her, she still forgave me. She was there for me after I was assaulted. She always was kind and had a good heart and even after that, I still hurt her because I was only thinking of myself. Yeah that was partly Zig’s fault too but I started it and I wasn’t even thinking of how Maya would feel. She was such a good person and everyone just kept hurting her, and I was one of them. I’ll never forgive myself for that.” Zoe started crying harder, and Grace held her tight. After a couple minutes they both went inside where Zig, Tiny, Jonah, Mrs. Matlin, and Katie were sitting in the living room. Zig was in the middle of talking, as much as he could through his tears, about how he thought he never deserved Maya and was never good enough for her and that he hurt her when all she did was love him unconditionally and help him through all his problems. Addressing Mrs. Matlin he said, “You and Maya took me in when I didn’t have a home, even though I was being a jerk to her. She helped me stay safe when I was in the gang, she helped me out of it and never gave up on me. Even when I didn’t deserve it she still loved me. And because I was insecure and felt like I wasn’t good enough I made the biggest mistake of my life. I proved myself right, I didn’t deserve her, and then being who Maya is she ended up forgiving me enough to talk to me about how she was feeling, but I pushed her away because my girlfriend didn’t want me to talk to her. And I shouldn’t have listened because Maya had always been my friend and I cared about her more than anyone, I could have helped her, been there for her, but now I never will be able to.” Zig started choking on his tears and shakily said “it’s all my fault” while Jonah and Mrs. Matlin simultaneously said that it wasn’t his fault, or anyone’s.  “I feel like it’s my fault too.” Grace said. “I told her I didn’t want her in my life. She clearly was crying out for help. She was posting these scary photos online. I blocked her because seeing them freaked me out. She had tried convincing me that they meant nothing but I knew that wasn’t true. But I still pushed her away because I couldn’t handle it. But I should have at least helped her find someone she could talk to. I told Maya she was a terrible friend but she wasn’t. She was always a good friend to me, even when I didn’t deserve it, and I screwed her over more than once. And so did others but I was her best friend, I should have been there for her.” Grace buried her face in her hands and Zig, Tiny, Jonah, and Zoe all scooched closer to her and held her tight. No one knew what to do, everyone felt numb, but also hysterical with grief and guilt. They all felt like they had let Maya down. And no one knew how to live with that.  
   
   
 

**Author's Note:**

> This story is basically an alternate version of the events that took place in Season 3 Of Degrassi Next Class. Except that Maya writes letters and we get to see more inside her head. And of course the obvious difference being she doesn’t survive. I wrote this while going through similar to what Maya’s going through (and I still am) and it was very hard to write but I hope everyone likes/liked it.


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